i can ride my bike with no handle bars.

I'm still in Ohio. I haven't talked to Galen. I haven't done anything. I should be cleaning, because this kitchen is gross and I can't take it, but I don't want to do anything, I can't will myself to do anything.

It's terrible.

otomik bought me another dress, and he got this amazing hoodie. It's so soft and so sexy and oh god, can I have both?

dress.

kiss me with a fist

I haven't used this thing in a year. Obviously. But I want to read Lauren's posts so I'm going to reactivate it, I suppose. I'm in Ohio, Columbus, with Otomik. I am wandering at the moment, I should be on my way to Portland and all those people in California, Andy, Drea Kato, everyone, but I can't seem to get up the want to get out of here. My time here is easy, comfortable and enjoyable. Which is why I'm starting to worry, I gotta keep moving, keep seeing new things, new people, new dangers, new adventures, otherwise, what the hell do I have to write about? Sometimes in the past couple of days I've wished that this cross country trek I'm on will kill me. It won't, of course, but jesus, I'm 20 years old and exhausted. I AM SO TIRED of fighting to just breathe everyday, fighting everything all the time. There is no rest for the wicked? But what about just a breather? The wicked don't get breathers? I mean, just look at what happened in the month of August (well, starting july 21st, 2009) for me.

1. Kicked heroin habit I had for over a year. With no withdrawl. I didn't feel any pain at all. I kicked heroin on a roadtrip from Denver to New Orleans with no pain at all.

2. Left my long term partner, left him homeless and alone and with nothing in Denver, nothing but his smack.

3. Moved to New Orleans.

4. Got in legal rumbles over my father's estate. My father isn't dead yet, but he will be, soon enough. I know nothing about legal anything, but see me, sitting pretty in Loyola Law Library, asking everyone I see anything I need help with.

5. Convinced this KID FROM THE INTERNET who've I have had a crush on since I was 14 to let him visit because I was coming out to Portland and well Ohio ain't anywhere near but I can swing it?

So now I'm in Ohio. Everything I own in the entire world fits in two bags. I don't know what I'm looking for, but I'm looking for something. Aries Alex wrote this wonderful thing to me on a post where I was freaking out.

this wandering is a phase. You can and will be through with it when you choose to be through with it. But when you've done so much running, it becomes a part of you, an addiction of sorts. You don't know how to sit still, don't feel natural in one place without constant serotonin stimuli.

It is a gift, and you know that it is, to be young and free with nothing to keep you grounded, fully alive in the basic survival game. And your mom is right, you are a force. The intensity that you possess which possesses you, your calm urgency, your strong, soft voice and carelessly carefully choosing of your words are all inspiring and effective. If you were focused towards a big, audacious goal, you would get it done with eerie efficiency.

You will realize when this is over that you are getting things in return. The things you are doing now, each small choice you make will give you a life of lessons. Of course, it's hard to see it now when your mind is consumed with getting through the next day or two or the next town or the next time zone or whatever is happening right in front of you.

When you find something worth settling for, then start the struggle to tame yourself. You may never be fully grounded, it's true, but if you can both open yourself enough and refrain from consuming everything around you, then you will get by just fine.

But for now, keep running. Celebrate the intensity, the energy and the freedom like it's air, food, and water. Don't be ashamed. It's your nature...

<3

It made me breathe. I have to remember that I'm not crazy, that I'm okay, that I'm living, that I am loved, that I can make it through this, and that I will be better stronger faster for it. Here we go:

I ride my bike, I roller skate, don't drive no car Don't go too fast, but I go pretty far For somebody who don't drive I been all around the world Some people say, I done all right for a girl

feel the love, feel the hate, feel the night.

I've got a new bike. Isn't she gorgeous?!

we are we are night sky night sky

Oh baby. Last night was amazing, I'm so sore I can't even like, argh. There has been no recovery time between Rage and Dax last night. We show up kind of late for Dax at New Orleans' infamous One Eyed Jack's. We finally get in and Warhola goes up to the bar and buys some whiskey. Brofus, The Tiger and I sit down, exhausted and just wanting some Dax. Warhola has never heard any of his music, so he doesn't know what to expect. We are waiting around, drinking whiskey, the first band ends. We get up and move closer. Suddenly, Brofus grabs my shirt and says, "Look who's here." LESS THAN FUCKING 5 FEET AWAY IS THE MAN. Drinking a soco, smeared eyeliner under his eyes, I can actually hear the man talking. I can't breathe. I'm sharing the same air as Dax Riggs. I break away from Warhola and find an excuse to move closer. Suddenly, he is staring at me, we are making eyecontact, holy fuck. His eyes fuckin bore into me and I was frozen, like a solider. He smiles, and moves away. I melted into Warhola and he looked confused for a moment. We waited through the next band and then, and then.

"My name is Dax. And these are my Blood Kings."
They played basically the exact same set that they played at Voodoo the day before, but it was so much closer and he joked with the crowd and "Oh it's so good to be home..." and boy did I know that. Warhola was definitly into it and he played everything I wanted to hear, and I touched Tiger during "Evil Friend" and said "This song is for you." Because it is. I swivled slowly with Warhola during "Death Brite" and it was wonderful, a perfect send off for Brofus' last night.

"We are we are night sky night sky, we are we are god's eye god's eye.."

the battle of voodoo fest

Can I even explain this? Not really, it was too close to God, to close to nirvana. We arrived at VOODOO around noon. The first band we saw, of course, was Daximus Riggsimus, who has lost a lot of weight and I just wanted to fucking fuck him. Hahah. He played almost everything I wanted to hear, and I was just so excited to fucking see the guy. I mean I've been chasing the fool for over 5 years now. Tony loved him, which is good because we are going to go see him again tonight. We wandered around after that basically, because we didn't really want to see any of the inbetween bands. The next one, we went to Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, which yeah, Cassandra, they played "Berlin", and I thought of you. But, it was still kind of disppointing and dull. The boys went and saw Porcupine Tree, which apparently was really good, but I had to venture out and find water. I went to the first aid tent and then finally said fuck it and bought some water for da kids and I, and then met up with them after Kings of Leon started. Dolled out the water, Tony went to Toots & The Maytals, and Thomas and I went to see Kings of Leon, and Ryan Adams was playing guitar for Kings and it was really weird and kind of dull. They sound exactly like they do on the record. Thomas and I then went to M.I.A. and she was so funky and awesomely shiny in tight pants and shit and it was really awesome. We left to pee and then head up to the other end of the field for Rage Against the Machine, and we didn't really get that fucking far, but it was just so....We met this kid named Daniel and he smoked us up and I started to get nervous, I'm so anxious I'm going to grind my fucking teeth out of my mouth, who the fuck can beat that? My jaw is in constant pain because I'm shoving my fucking teeth back into my mouth. I almost threw up, I couldn't move, all this bad shit came down into my head, I'm in debt I'm not in school my teeth are going to fall out, I can't breathe, I'm too high, my mouth is too dry, and then it was all gone, I was pushed farther and farther forward. I made it a good 50 feet forward from where Thomas and I started. We had long lost Tony to the masses. But then, the actual noise, the actual music coming from Morello's guitar and oh jesus, is this really happening? The full moon illuminating everyone and Zach could totally just feel it, seething between his teeth. He changed some of the lyrics around, but only in ways that locals would pick up on. "I'm rolling down CANAL with a shotgun...I'm rolling down ST. CLAUDE with a shotgun..." Everyone I passed let me hit whatever they were smoking and I got a couple gulps of beer to wash it down with, I couldn't believe that all of this was happening. Encore, and they fucking played FREEDOM and Zach made this beautiful speech about how all this bad shit was happening in New Orleans, but "You, you here tonight, represent all that is beautiful in this city." And I cried. I openly wept. I FUCKING CRIED. Suddenly, it was over. I had occasionally been glancing up at the moon to tell the time, suddenly I realized that they had been playing for over 3 hours, they all hugged at the end and bowed, and Zach and Tom hugged again walking off stage and I nearly cried at that. Seeing these two people who have had all these problems get over it and give New Orleans what it needed, I couldn't be happier. The sea changed and we started to wander back to the fairgrounds. People carrying the wounded, drunk, dehydrated, stepping over bottles and plastic cups, discarded blankets, jackets, purses. I find Thomas after watching the end of the world carnival spill out, the mass exdous of enraged people. We found Tony, eating ice cream not too far down. He opened his arms and hugged me and said "oh my god, oh my god." That was all pretty much anyone could say. I whimpered at his ice cream float and he fed me for a second, and I was strangly relieved. I didn't even have to lift the spoon. We walked back, gingerly stepping over trash, mud, discarded clothes, people. We had a difficult time figuring out how to get home, but we made it. Walked back from the central buisness district and I was holding on for dear life by the time we made it to my door, I couldn't move. Warhola was asleep when we got home, and I just took off my dress and shoes (his riot slippers which I destroyed) and crashed down next to him, inthe sweltering heat of a radiator turned up too high. He left early this morning, and I told Tony to come sleep in my room, it is so cold in the rest of the house. I had mostly selfish reasons in this.

But.

Today, I buy a bike, get groceries, see Dax, drink some evan williams, ride bike, piss off kerry leigh with my new cool bike, make out with Warhola, not function.

NOT FUNCTIONING IS THE ORDER OF THE DAY.

die? i'd rather fly.

So, I finally got pictures off Warhola's camera. They are ace, as always. Tomorrow is rage against the machine I can't even fucking believe it. Like no, I can't. But I got some pictures for you guys......I mean Cassandra. and who ever else is randomly reading, Mella, Robin, Janny...

anywho.

I got this awesome homemade pink chain dress of insanity from a local designer, rep. Those pictures of Tony where when he first got here, Thomas just a second ago, and the little blips on our skin was Tony & I's writer brand, always over our hearts, you and me, he and i. We've become alot closer, I think anyway, since he got here, and it's perfect.

Writers for life.

eleven saints

I need a scanner. The pictures I took of Tony are just that fucking beautiful, I really need to just charge people money and take their pictures. Thomas got in last night, how awesome is it to have my boys here, you know? So of course we got fucking drunk as shit. I'm hungover right now, drinking soymilk straight from the bottle because my head is pounding and Skinny Puppy sounds the best. The weather in New Orleans is getting cold. The wind was biting last night as I walked to Hanks to get alcohol for the boys. I don't have sweaters thick enough for it, I was praying that the sweet Louisiana suffocating lustflower scent heat would last forever. But it's not and I don't know how to deal with the falling tempatures. I sound ridiculous as I say this, because these tempatures are like 65 degrees and I'm freezing. I know Cassandra wants to kill me, hahha. Shit I'm just so distracted and I don't want to go to work at all.

But.

I bought everyone a ticket for Rage Against the Machine. That's right, 50$ to see Rage Against the Machine. It's so cooold I don't know. I don't know what to wear to work, I'm out of clothes andI need to do laundry and asklfhdakahdkd. But Friday we get to see Rage and everyone is so excited. God damn, I have to go to work in 20 minutes and I'm still stinky and hung over and drunk and not dressed. Listening to Tony's profile song and wanting to just exist in my stink and undies and smoke some camels and not do anything. But exist. Shit more time is slipping by!

Tonight I go sign up to be a Irrn Rail punk rock librarian. Very thrilled, very excited. I will be doing my part to further things I believe in. i.e., anarchist/socialist/antiwhatever, and uh yeah. I'll sit behind a desk and read all day and play punk rock and talk to everyone else about punk rock and books and punk rock..

yeah validation is fucking in the house.


I have to stop and like get ready to work and write down my chart and shit.
I'm just so distracted.