I haven't used this thing in a year. Obviously. But I want to read Lauren's posts so I'm going to reactivate it, I suppose. I'm in Ohio, Columbus, with Otomik. I am wandering at the moment, I should be on my way to Portland and all those people in California, Andy, Drea Kato, everyone, but I can't seem to get up the want to get out of here. My time here is easy, comfortable and enjoyable. Which is why I'm starting to worry, I gotta keep moving, keep seeing new things, new people, new dangers, new adventures, otherwise, what the hell do I have to write about? Sometimes in the past couple of days I've wished that this cross country trek I'm on will kill me. It won't, of course, but jesus, I'm 20 years old and exhausted. I AM SO TIRED of fighting to just breathe everyday, fighting everything all the time. There is no rest for the wicked? But what about just a breather? The wicked don't get breathers? I mean, just look at what happened in the month of August (well, starting july 21st, 2009) for me.
1. Kicked heroin habit I had for over a year. With no withdrawl. I didn't feel any pain at all. I kicked heroin on a roadtrip from Denver to New Orleans with no pain at all.
2. Left my long term partner, left him homeless and alone and with nothing in Denver, nothing but his smack.
3. Moved to New Orleans.
4. Got in legal rumbles over my father's estate. My father isn't dead yet, but he will be, soon enough. I know nothing about legal anything, but see me, sitting pretty in Loyola Law Library, asking everyone I see anything I need help with.
5. Convinced this KID FROM THE INTERNET who've I have had a crush on since I was 14 to let him visit because I was coming out to Portland and well Ohio ain't anywhere near but I can swing it?
So now I'm in Ohio. Everything I own in the entire world fits in two bags. I don't know what I'm looking for, but I'm looking for something. Aries Alex wrote this wonderful thing to me on a post where I was freaking out.
this wandering is a phase. You can and will be through with it when you choose to be through with it. But when you've done so much running, it becomes a part of you, an addiction of sorts. You don't know how to sit still, don't feel natural in one place without constant serotonin stimuli.
It is a gift, and you know that it is, to be young and free with nothing to keep you grounded, fully alive in the basic survival game. And your mom is right, you are a force. The intensity that you possess which possesses you, your calm urgency, your strong, soft voice and carelessly carefully choosing of your words are all inspiring and effective. If you were focused towards a big, audacious goal, you would get it done with eerie efficiency.
You will realize when this is over that you are getting things in return. The things you are doing now, each small choice you make will give you a life of lessons. Of course, it's hard to see it now when your mind is consumed with getting through the next day or two or the next town or the next time zone or whatever is happening right in front of you.
When you find something worth settling for, then start the struggle to tame yourself. You may never be fully grounded, it's true, but if you can both open yourself enough and refrain from consuming everything around you, then you will get by just fine.
But for now, keep running. Celebrate the intensity, the energy and the freedom like it's air, food, and water. Don't be ashamed. It's your nature...
<3
It made me breathe. I have to remember that I'm not crazy, that I'm okay, that I'm living, that I am loved, that I can make it through this, and that I will be better stronger faster for it. Here we go:
| I ride my bike, I roller skate, don't drive no car Don't go too fast, but I go pretty far For somebody who don't drive I been all around the world Some people say, I done all right for a girl |
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