I can't believe things like this decide to show up when everything seems to be going great. Danzig calling and leaving Hand in Glove on my answering machine. Then I'm suddenly confronted with, how much other shit of his is with me. Letters, tapes. You never forget your first. No one can certainly forget mine, we almost burned Denver down alive. Anytime I fuck anyone that isn't him, there is the scar there from him, carved into my inner thigh like sin. It's bothersome. The whole thing was a bizarre strange trip, one of which I have not fully recovered. If I let it, anything can remind me of something we did, something we took, something he said to me. Even the profile song on mahspace is tinged, spoiled. Anytime I wore my karen o red dress, Danzig would slip on the misfits voice and say "SHE LOOKS SO GOOD IN RED." I can't escape my own memories or preoccupied visions of what happened. It just happened. And then I just got on a train and hopped half way across the country without saying anything to him until I was 20 minutes away from departure, because 20 minutes no one can get downtown, much less a boy on a skateboard who has to take the bus or the lightrail. It's just silly. SILLY. What a shitty way to destroy something that gave you life again. After all, no one had hugged me, touched me, let alone kissed me in years before he came along. And for that, I am grateful. But it's just...
sad now. I can't keep crying off and on because Warhola thinks he did something wrong and I can't just say, ITS BECAUSE THIS SONG. She looks so good in red! Or it's because his birthday is coming up! It's just too strange.
3 comments:
it's werid because i've felt this way about mike. there is alot still left under my skin.
the other day i saw M.F + M.M on this log pillow he gave me. now that i'm moving it's hard throwing it away. Not because of me still loving him. But because so much in this room still has parts of him.
I need to do so much still & it's hard.
I can agree with some of the parts you've said about how much he's a part of you and how much he's been this guy that loved you when no one else did. I can never forget my first love, shit I still think about him to this day and I still hope that me and him can be together in the future.
but bb girl, if you loved him or cared about him in that sense..why not give him a better farewell? like he's worth..the way you put it.
funny how easy it was for me to forget all about tommy. :/ but you and danzig... so much turbulance.
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